Pets Aplenty

Join novice vet, Paul Mitchell, in a further six months of hilarious escapades he experiences while working at Prospect House Veterinary Hospital. He's confronted by a ravenous pig while sunbathing naked in a cornfield. He locks jaws with a caiman with scale rot and battles with Doug, a vicious miniature donkey that's always sinking his teeth into him. It ends with a Christmas pet blessing which erupts into pandemonium as frightened pets and owners scatter through the pews. Throughout his adventures, Paul is loyally supported by the team at the hospital - in particular Beryl, the elderly one-eyed receptionist, and, Lucy the junior nurse - together with whom he shares this merry-go-round of mayhem. It's a gripping, fast page-turner that's guaranteed to keep animal lovers entranced.

Praise for Malcolm Welshman

‘... paints a vivid picture of many fascinating characters.'
Jim Wight, son of James Herriot

‘... brings a smile to your face.'
Sir Terry Wogan

‘Your story is a corker.'
Richard Madeley

‘... hilarious stories straight from a vet's pen will keep you chuckling.'
Stella Whitelaw

Palace Green

The beautiful, ancient city of Durham, its breath-taking views, medieval Cathedral, bridges, cobblestone lanes and quiet, lilting river as well as its university and unpredictable students create the romance, humour and drama of this story. Wander back to the sixties and allow yourself to be swept up in this gentle, sometimes raucous, yet totally irresistible comedy.

Now Who's Talking? 2

Are you ready for round two of Now Who’s Talking? Des Lynam returns with more animal antics in this second collection of conversations, once again illustrated by Bryony Hill. This time, they’re heading to the farm and the zoo to eavesdrop on an even wider variety of animals, ranging from ferrets and turkeys to flamingos and crocodiles.
Just as in the previous volume, Des gives voice to the animals in a way that mirrors their behaviour in the real world, while at the same time offering some intriguing insights into their interactions with us humans. As ever, Des’s words are perfectly complemented by Bryony’s imaginative yet realistic drawings.

‘Full of charm, novelty, and wit – just like the man himself.’ Susie Dent
‘I loved Des’s voice. It was always one of my favourites to imitate (“Wine ’em… dine ’em… Lynam”). Now the old master’s found a whole range of voices and applied them to the birds and animals in his garden and beyond. Whimsical, witty, imaginative –  and great fun.’ Rory Bremner

Now Who's Talking? 1

Discover the animal kingdom as you’ve never seen it before! In this charming and witty book, with words by Des Lynam and illustrations by Bryony Hill, creatures ranging from squirrels and butterflies to baby hedgehogs and tiger cubs finally get a chance to speak for themselves, revealing their quirks and habits in a way that’s sure to delight readers of all ages.
Whether you’re a die-hard animal lover or just looking for a good laugh, Des and Bryony’s unique perspective is guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face – and every so often, perhaps, tell you something you didn’t know about our winged and furry friends.
‘Quirky in the best possible way. Putting words into animal’s mouths is no easy thing, but that is exactly what Des has managed to do. It talks to us of being human – and also of being animal – but expressed in a way that we can relate to. And the illustrations take the words to another level: a perfect match!’
Jonathan and Angela Scott
(aka The Big Cat People), award-winning photographers and conservationists

Memoirs of a '90s Schoolboy

An entertaining and irreverent read, Memoirs of a 90s' School Boy is a book that'll bring you back in time to childhood and the ups and downs of primary school days. The ridiculous situations, elaborate observations, and honest brain farts of a child who thinks he's got it sussed; will make you laugh out loud. Described by BAFTA award winning comedian, Daisy Cooper (the force behind BBC3's 'This Country') as 'the funniest thing she has ever read'. This book needs no further introduction, just get on and read it and see for yourself.

Life Stories: the Odd Bits

People say, “When life deals you lemons, make lemonade” as if they knew the recipe and of course could lay hands on the other ingredients. The people between the covers of this book tried to follow the initial advice, and this is the result: not exactly lemonade, not exactly soup, not exactly toxic but more or less what you might expect if you tried making lemonade from substitute ingredients such as cabbage stalks, bacon rind, honey, brewer’s yeast and fermented socks.

PLEASE NOTE: this is not an approved recipe. You can try it in the safety of your own home, but the author takes no responsibility for the results, he can make an educated guess...

King George

Devotees of E.F. Benson’s books on the people of Tilling will not be disappointed in this sequel. From cricket matches, Christmas lunches and Roman villas, the lives of the residents of Tilling are laid bare once again with all their small-village craziness. Not only Tilling, but also the residents of Risenholme, and friends from London, all come to Tilling to play a part in pre-war village Britain. Once again, Elizabeth Mapp tries to prove to the world that she is right and Tilling is wrong in their love for Lucia. All the past characters are here including Mr and Mrs Wyse, Quaint Irene, Diva, the Padre as well as Janet and Foljambe and there is a new character to invade the peaceful and tranquil lives of the residents whose identity confounds and confuses them.

Justin At Large

When Millicent Pemberton’s acting career comes to a disastrous end, she seduces a wealthy Scottish Duke and moves into his impressive castle. Pregnant with Justin she raids the Duke’s safe and disappears with a fortune in banknotes.

22 years later, a fiercely dominating mother, Millicent and her American lover move to the USA selling her family home, leaving him to be introduced into an alien world.

A Pandora’s box of events challenges his sanity. He’d been arrested and jailed briefly for a trumped-up charge of rape. Mentally, physically and sexually abused by a collection of crazy women (including a randy teacher and her class of equally randy 16-year-old schoolgirls).

Locating his mother in the USA, Justin accompanying her to a bank is taken hostage by three armed gorillas during a raid. He is whisked away into the wilds to be harassed by a gang of women thieves. The Duke, recognising Millicent from a TV newsflash and realising Justin must be his son, races to rescue him with a bunch of mercenaries.

Justin’s story has so many unpredictable events you are forced to turn over the page to learn what happens to our guy next.

If Only...

Set in the early 1970s, If Only is based around three 16-year-old lads and the hilarious experiences and adventures they encounter through family life, sport, girls and holidays.The down-to-earth, original humour is guaranteed to appeal to all age groups and you are assured to laugh out loud throughout the book.There is also a more serious and nail-biting element as James, the natural leader, decides he has to avenge an injury to his friend and goes to the nearby village aided by the local gang of bullies, with disastrous consequences. Over a period of a week his life spirals downwards as he is accused of a string of crimes and he lays in bed nightly thinking, “If only...”Running alongside this is Robert who is bullied by a gang to the point where he is about to end his life, but decides to take the alternative route and take them on at their own game.The book draws inspiration from the humour of The Royle Family, from Tales of the Unexpected with its twist in the tale and from the film The Warriors. It showcases the humorous side of teenage life, together with adventures, excitement and edge-of-your-seat suspense, in a combination that will not disappoint.

Grope

Be very careful before you decide to buy this book because it might give you ideas!

Judge Jury, pillar of society, makes one drunken mistake which turns his life upside down. Although now considered a despicable character by all, including his wife, he picks himself up with the help of a new-found friend he met at Her Majesty’s pleasure and gets to his feet.
His career now in shreds and his generous income no more, he receives some invaluable advice from his new-found friend: start stealing things. You will be amazed how easy it can be.

So this is why I warn you to be careful before you approach the cashier to pay for what you hold in your hands. This book could get you into trouble. Big trouble.

Ginton Abbey: Volume Two

It’s Saturday and after yesterday’s shenanigans, what could the occupants of Ginton Abbey get up to today?

His Lordship awakes with an urge (no, not that one!) “Let’s all go to the seaside!”

This goes down extremely well with most, but Mrs Spanner has too many bad memories and sulks. Kitty is smitten, for real this time, and not just a quick fumble in the bushes, coal shed or wash house… oh, you’ll get it!

Will her Ladyship and the butler be able to keep their hands off each other?

Will Mrs Spanner’s gravy maim or kill anyone?

Will the secret of Molly finally be revealed?

From Sitzkrieg to Blitzkrieg

I’d seen chaps killed before, of course: Tuppy Horton was the first; accidentally garroted by his own braces, whilst playing ‘Cowboys and Indians’ back in 1922. There had been raw terror in poor old Tuppy’s bulging, bloodshot eyes as he dangled by his neck from that apple tree, while the rest of us just stood and gawped. Then there was Stiffy Plantagenet; who was knocked down on the tennis court at his home, by a motor car driven (in reverse) by his inebriated Aunt Agatha – I seem to remember that Plantagenet was absent from school for quite some time before it was announced by the Headmaster that old Stiffy had finally shuffled-off his bucket, kicked his clogs, and popped his mortal coil.

I have just remembered another one, too: Benjamin Alistair Drayton, who drowned in Tatlock Pond (whilst I warmed my palms on his sister Millicent’s bare breasts in a nearby thicket). I didn’t actually see him drown, of course (having, as I did, my hands rather full at the time), but I watched Mr Mulgrew and Constable Pinchworthy fish Drayton’s lifeless, floppy corpse from the stagnant water afterwards.

This was the first time that I’d seen a chap killed so horribly though; a shell had exploded nearby and shrapnel had completely smashed Simpson’s face in; his belly was torn wide-open, and his wet, shiny innards spilled out onto the brown earth. (Needless to say, he did not live for long.) I paused for a moment, drew a deep breath, and then vomited so hard that my backside trumpeted loudly. (“Pffrrrt!”)