Table for Two, Mr Sparrowhawk?

Imagine going on a luxury cruise holiday around South America where your fellow passengers turn out to be a beautiful blonde ex-Miss World from Switzerland, a ventriloquist’s dummy, an Italian mobster and his wife, a Blackpool Landlady, a 1960s Beat Combo, Sea Legs & Co – a troupe of sexy girl dancers, an eccentric Lord, four undercover cops, a suitcase full of guns and a seven foot tall angry Scottish chef. What could possibly go wrong?

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, why does Susan think Fanny has a screw loose? Why do Big Sharon and Randy Mandy have it in for Steve? What does our hero conceal under Doris Downing’s blue rinse syrup at the Disco?

Is professional dance host Vlad “Terry” Rasputin really a Russian, or is he actually from Preston? Why was that man wearing a thong in the ballroom? Will the Talent Show ever be the same again?

Totti is a super sexy Italian lady dripping with diamonds. Carlo and Mario wear shiny silk suits and have thin ankles. Danny is an enigma and Lord Toucan wears a top hat and tails every day. But which one of them has a big secret connected to the Royal Gilbert Hall?

Follow Steve Sparrowhawk’s hilarious daily adventures, mishaps, romps and japes on board the ship as he leaves a trail of chaos and destruction in his wake. Will he succumb to the temptations of the flesh? Will he disembark the ship as a multi-millionaire? Will he survive the cruise? Will anyone care?

Steeple City

Steeple City is set in Cork City, Ireland and is a humorous story of how selfishness and loneliness can consume a family whose mother dies giving birth. We get to see life through the eyes of the main character Fin, a funny, lying, stealing fourteen-year-old bastard who despises his older gay brother and womanising father. The only rock in his life is his granny “The Mad Mullah”. The more hardship Fin inflicts or is inflicted upon him the more relatable he becomes. His toxic humour helps him and the reader navigate a year in his life. Fin’s immediate and extended family experience a year of love, laughter and death where an array of characters enter Steeple City with their own unique self-destructive story.

Senior Pleasures

Overnight Tom Hartley became a grieving widower after years of happy marriage and rebuilt his life by making new friends and taking up new interests. He moved house and set up a gardening club which also helped elderly residents and arranged walks and other social activities. After a number of close friendships with lonely ladies, he fell in love with neighbour Helen who had been working with him on the gardening club. Concerned about Tom’s over-friendly nature, Helen insisted on a one-year engagement and that they should continue to live in separate homes for Tom to prove that he could resist temptation. All went well until a glamorous widow moved in next door and began making advances.

An unexpected event brought about a change in plans and Tom and Helen had to sell their homes and move to a rundown property requiring months of hard work and expense to restore. Despite their problems the couple have fun together and their love blossoms. 

Say Aye Tae the Frock

Say Aye Tae the Frock is a real life insight into the antics that go on in a small town bridal shop in Scotland.

Forget the euphoric and supposedly dream-like experiences of finding the perfect dress.

Let’s keep it real!

From Tears and Tantrums to Rogue Bridesmaids and Bride Tribes, these are the stories that no one dares to share.

Pulling the Rug

“You have to come, now.”

Those were the words that up ended Emma’s world and pulled the rug firmly out from under her feet. Up until that point her life had been relatively charmed: A good job. A lovely house. A handsome husband. Fancy coffee. Holidays with sun and adventure. One day she would settle down. One day she wanted children. One day.

One car accident and her world spun out of its axis. A ready-made family crashed her ordered world. A mutinous teenager, a traumatized little girl, crazy twins and a long-suffering cat. Everyone had advice. Everyone had an opinion. She thought she was strong, capable, she always had a plan. She always had a plan A, B and C to be precise. But what happens when someone pulls away the rug?

Pluto's in Uranus!

Dave suffers from OCF – Obsessive Compulsive Fatalism.
Every day he is compelled to follow his online horoscope, and to actively seek out and participate in their prophesies.
One fated day, the signs are so compelling they embolden him to take a high stakes horse racing gamble.
The consequence of his wager will lead Dave into situations way beyond his control and comfort zone, and his path will be crossed by an intriguing hotchpotch of larger-than-life characters.
This eccentric bunch of strangers include a Benny Hill loving vicar, a transvestite, a hippy, a diamond thief, a sausage roll addicted Bank manager, an underworld female mechanic, an ’ungry man, some piranha fish, a chimpanzee and many others.
Pluto’s in Uranus! is the story of a ‘tryer’ whose lucky omens will come back to taunt him.
KUSHTI BOK!

Pets Are a Pleasure

This novel is the fourth in the Pets in a Pickle series and describes the antics of young vet, Paul Mitchell, now in his second year at Prospect House, the veterinary hospital, as he continues to tackle an endless variety of pets and clients. There's an escaped griffon vulture, which terrorised staff in the garden. A bouquet of roses for Beryl, the receptionist, in which lurks a venomous frog. Dealings with Dave, the chameleon. And on the way to treat one of the Stockwells' cows, Paul is confronted by Boris, their amorous bull, who has escaped and now blocks the lane. Meanwhile in the practice cottage, Willow Wren, he and his fiancé, the junior nurse, Lucy, raise an orphaned fox cub, curb the roamings of a randy cockerel and cope with marauding badgers and the sighting of a possible lion. Fans of the earlier books will relish this opportunity to delve into more zany encounters deftly written with the self-depreciating humour that characterises Malcolm's style.

Pets Aplenty

Join novice vet, Paul Mitchell, in a further six months of hilarious escapades he experiences while working at Prospect House Veterinary Hospital. He's confronted by a ravenous pig while sunbathing naked in a cornfield. He locks jaws with a caiman with scale rot and battles with Doug, a vicious miniature donkey that's always sinking his teeth into him. It ends with a Christmas pet blessing which erupts into pandemonium as frightened pets and owners scatter through the pews. Throughout his adventures, Paul is loyally supported by the team at the hospital - in particular Beryl, the elderly one-eyed receptionist, and, Lucy the junior nurse - together with whom he shares this merry-go-round of mayhem. It's a gripping, fast page-turner that's guaranteed to keep animal lovers entranced.

Praise for Malcolm Welshman

‘... paints a vivid picture of many fascinating characters.'
Jim Wight, son of James Herriot

‘... brings a smile to your face.'
Sir Terry Wogan

‘Your story is a corker.'
Richard Madeley

‘... hilarious stories straight from a vet's pen will keep you chuckling.'
Stella Whitelaw

Palace Green

The beautiful, ancient city of Durham, its breath-taking views, medieval Cathedral, bridges, cobblestone lanes and quiet, lilting river as well as its university and unpredictable students create the romance, humour and drama of this story. Wander back to the sixties and allow yourself to be swept up in this gentle, sometimes raucous, yet totally irresistible comedy.

Now Who's Talking? 2

Are you ready for round two of Now Who’s Talking? Des Lynam returns with more animal antics in this second collection of conversations, once again illustrated by Bryony Hill. This time, they’re heading to the farm and the zoo to eavesdrop on an even wider variety of animals, ranging from ferrets and turkeys to flamingos and crocodiles.
Just as in the previous volume, Des gives voice to the animals in a way that mirrors their behaviour in the real world, while at the same time offering some intriguing insights into their interactions with us humans. As ever, Des’s words are perfectly complemented by Bryony’s imaginative yet realistic drawings.

‘Full of charm, novelty, and wit – just like the man himself.’ Susie Dent
‘I loved Des’s voice. It was always one of my favourites to imitate (“Wine ’em… dine ’em… Lynam”). Now the old master’s found a whole range of voices and applied them to the birds and animals in his garden and beyond. Whimsical, witty, imaginative –  and great fun.’ Rory Bremner

Now Who's Talking? 1

Discover the animal kingdom as you’ve never seen it before! In this charming and witty book, with words by Des Lynam and illustrations by Bryony Hill, creatures ranging from squirrels and butterflies to baby hedgehogs and tiger cubs finally get a chance to speak for themselves, revealing their quirks and habits in a way that’s sure to delight readers of all ages.
Whether you’re a die-hard animal lover or just looking for a good laugh, Des and Bryony’s unique perspective is guaranteed to leave you with a smile on your face – and every so often, perhaps, tell you something you didn’t know about our winged and furry friends.
‘Quirky in the best possible way. Putting words into animal’s mouths is no easy thing, but that is exactly what Des has managed to do. It talks to us of being human – and also of being animal – but expressed in a way that we can relate to. And the illustrations take the words to another level: a perfect match!’
Jonathan and Angela Scott
(aka The Big Cat People), award-winning photographers and conservationists

Murder Spells Trouble with a Capital M