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The Oldest Soak-bookcover

By: Lee Short

The Oldest Soak

Pages: 196 Ratings: 4.6
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“Things ’appened that changed me, is all. And when I pass this missive on to you, well, it could change the way you perceive certain fings.”

“I tell you what,” Jock began. “Following that introduction, there’s no way I’m passing this up.”

“No worries, squire,” said Ted, sighing. “Well, it all started innocently enough, just like you when you wandered in ’ere. I was coming back from the pub and it was raining. Really raining, like big fat drops that you could hear individually. It was warm, though, and the sky was full of lightning. But I didn’t care none, I was ten sheets to the wind.”


When viewed from the outside, Ted Johnson’s uninspiring penchant for living bottle to bottle was a meaningless and wasteful existence, but he alone harboured the unenviable secret of a potentially catastrophic fate for all the inhabitants of Planet Earth. Drawn together by a mutual fondness for alcoholic oblivion, Ted and Jock Ross ponder the future of mankind from the relative comfort of an everlasting tipple.

Lee is a tattoo artist and writer of surreal urban fantasy, living and working in Northumberland. A father of three, keen fitness enthusiast, retro gamer and an avid reader of an extensive range of fiction. Lee lives alone to better immerse himself in the abject solitude required to conjure such a stew of cerebral nightmares.


Customer Reviews
4.6
12 reviews
12 reviews
  • Becca Sams

    Very good.

  • Dr Craig A Sams

    Yeah, it’s alright I guess!

  • Martoon Blay

    I was surprised, awe-struck, gobsmacked (you could say) when I saw the oldest soak advertised one fateful morn. I immediately went and ordered myself a copy. A slew of disappointments then overcame my being, as if this soak (the oldest) was some kind of foul curse. My first copy of the book was smeared with fecal matter, the next was thrown through my window by the delivery man, shredding the contents. More books arrived and more foul curses were bestowed upon me. Finally (hurrah) an unsodden delivery was given to me.

    The wait was definitely worth it. The book is smeared with metaphors and linguistic mastery that is sure to titillate any reader who has the pleasure of enjoying it. My life has been changed by this novel of pure skill and I would recommend it to anyone who is brave enough to endure these cerebral nightmares.

    Lee, thank you sincerely.

  • Martyn Crack

    I am Solaire of Astora, an adherent to the Lord of Sunlight.
    Now that I am Undead, I have come to this great land, the birthplace of Lord Gwyn, to seek my very own sun! We are amidst strange beings, in a strange land.
    The flow of time itself is convoluted; with heroes' centuries-old phasing in and out.
    The very fabric wavers and relations shift and obscure.
    There's no telling how much longer your world and mine will remain in contact.
    But, use this, to summon one another as spirits, cross the gaps between the worlds, and engage in jolly cooperation!

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